Biographies

Vincent Vescio

 Vincent Albert Vescio is a son of a gun. Yes, hes classically trained in tap and ballet. And yes, he can shoot a dime from a monkeys hand with a six shooter from across the room. And yes…he had a whirlwind romance with Joan Collins. But his story goes much, much, much, much, much, much/much, much (much) deeper.

Born in the first accidental water birth to fugitive organ traffickers in a cave beneath the Niagara Falls, young Vincent spent his youth learning to make fire and hunt bison. He toured most of France and England, and all of Zimbabwe, performing Hamlet through his teens. He spent his early twenties opening check cashing stores throughout the poorer United States, and has now settled with his slum wealth in sunny Los Angeles. It is not uncommon to find him riding down Sunset in his infamous “Cash Corolla”, a custom Toyota with a frame made almost entirely of $100 dollar bill bundles.

Despite his hump, Vincent’s acting style has been described by MANY as “Sissy Spacek trippin’ balls”. Versatile and volatile. Vacant and a virgin. Vava voom. Vincent Vescio.

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Joshua Hoskins

Joshua Hoskins is the bestselling author responsible for classics like If You Give a Mouse a Cookie and The Diary of Anne Frank. He has also been credited for numerous inventions that have advanced the causes of humanity worldwide, among them penicillin, a revolutionary hot-water-douche filtration system still used in many of Tijuana’s yeastier brothels, and the phrase “bitch better have my money” later popularized by Orson Welles in Citizen Kane.

Hoskins migrated to Southern California at the height of the Great Depression, after Dust Bowl storms forced him to abandon Oklahoma and his prosperous chain of white baby mills. After drifting across the country performing old-timey songs in hobo barbershop quartet “Spin Doctors,” he settled into a career path that would make him a household name in at least ten households: co-creating videos that would take the interwebs by storm with literally hundreds of views.

An inspiration to many, Hoskins has overcome numerous difficulties along his path to triumph. In addition to having full blown sickle-cell, his penis is so tiny, so minuscule, so utterly useless, that not only is it incapable of satisfying a woman, he actually receives handicap parking placards from the DMV as a result of his condition.

Joshua Hoskins lives by the motto tattooed on his inner thigh in Japanese characters, “As long as there is an animal suit out there that needs filling, by God I will pretend to masturbate myself while cloaked in it.”